


oh, the king gone mad within his suffering

by tokyometropolis (mesohorany)



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 19:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21415504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mesohorany/pseuds/tokyometropolis
Summary: Robbe's apology letter to Sander.
Relationships: Robbe Ijzermans/Sander Driesen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 74





	oh, the king gone mad within his suffering

<strike>Hey Sander</strike>

<strike>Dear Sander</strike>

Hey.

I know you probably never want to see me again, or talk to me, and that’s okay. I mean, it’s not, it’s awful, but what I mean is that I understand why you wouldn’t want to. If anyone ever talked to me the way I talked to you on Friday I’d hate them forever. So I guess what I’m trying to say is…I wouldn’t blame you if you tore this up without even reading it, because I don’t think I deserve the chance to explain.

But I’m hoping you at least read it before you do that.

The truth is there’s no good reason for what I did. There’s nothing I could say to you that could make you (or me, even though I try every day) forget what happened. I haven’t slept because I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m afraid, Sander. My life is going to fucking shit, my mum is in the hospital because she’s having trouble with her mind and my dad has never been there for me and I feel like I have to be perfect all the time. I have to be there for her and pretend like I’m strong and okay to him even though he doesn’t care, and in the midst of all that who I _really_ am gets left behind. No one I know even comes close to understanding, and then Noor was there and I felt like she actually cared about me so I latched on because she was the only option I had. That sounds so fucking shitty to say but it’s the truth, you know, even my friends don’t care about me.

Then I went to that fucking beach house and there was you.

When I saw you I got scared. The _second_ I saw you I got scared, because I’d never been so immediately attracted to anyone ever. Like, not just physically. Everything about you made me want to know if there was more where that came from. I felt like I’d barely scratched the surface of you but I haven’t stopped thinking about you since that morning it was just us in the kitchen and at the grocery. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted to be – you don’t give a fuck, you just do what you want, and you’re so beautiful sometimes I can’t breathe when I look at you. You have this thing, Sander, and I don’t know what it is, but you make my head explode. Like, in a good way.

The night you took me to the pool I’d never wanted anything more. I’d never wanted _you _more. And the way I felt when I was with you – Jesus Christ. I forgot everything bad and just _lived_. I’ve never been able to ignore time like that. You make me feel like I’m not in the physical world. Like nothing can touch me. I wanted to stay with you forever.

But when I woke up the next morning and you texted me all I could feel, again, was fucking scared. And because it’s what I do when I can’t face myself, I ran. And you didn’t deserve that, and because of that I don’t deserve to be with you. My whole life I grew up thinking that liking guys wasn’t okay, that it was wrong – my parents are so fucking religious and it’s been fire and brimstone and all that shit since I was a kid. I don’t even believe in that anymore but it sticks. I don’t know why I care what they think but it’s so hard to forget when it’s all you’ve known.

I’ve never been able to say it to anyone but I do. Like guys. I like you. So fucking much, And I fucked it up so bad. I know you didn’t take advantage of me or abuse me or the situation at all. I wanted it, Sander, fuck; I probably wanted it _more_ than you. But I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to let myself let go. You deserve someone who will go out of their way to show you off and show up for you and be the best thing for you and instead I blamed you for my own fucked up insides. I think you’re the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, and I’d say you’re perfect but perfect is boring. You’re your very own thing, and it’s more than I can ever describe in words, but to me, you are a galaxy. I want to explore all of you.

Sander, I’m so, so sorry (_the next bit is unintelligible; tearstains obscure clarity_)

I’m sorry and if you never forgive me it has to be okay because it’s what you should do. But I hope you know that I’ll live forever regretting the way I treated you.

None of it is an excuse. My head feels like an animal. But I just want you to understand that there’s nothing ever that I’ll regret losing like you, and it’s my own fucking fault. All the way or no way, right? So now you know.

_Robbe_

<strike>P.S. I’ve listened to that Bowie playlist about a hundred times because it makes me think of you</strike>

<strike>P.S. I broke up with Noor because it’s not her for me even if you don’t forgive me. The only person I want is you</strike>

P.S. No one has ever felt like you, like you just know me, like you see me. I think that’s what you meant on Instagram, when you said _I will be king, and you_. 

I’m sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a grasp on Robbe's voice so I just took his emotion and threw it out there because I feel like he still has more to say. Might write a second part regarding a post-letter reunion.
> 
> Also posted over here on [my Tumblr](https://luludemauryyy.tumblr.com/post/189027685608/oh-the-king-gone-mad-within-his-suffering)


End file.
